This past Sunday, I offered my apartment for a night to shelter a renown Buddhist priestess, Bhikuni Tathaalola.  She is referred to as Ayya.  She is a western Theravada Buddhist monastic who followed the abbot of Buddhanusorn Thai temple.  Ayya had just returned from the United Nations meetings in Thailand and was on her way to visit her mother and grandfather in the East coast.  As she was staying at my place, we had a chance for leisurely conversation with her.  One part of the conversation I found to be very poignant.  It started a dialogue running in my own head, and I would like to share that conversation with you. 

                I asked Ayya how often she visited her mother.   She replied, "I have been visiting my mother once a year, without fail, because I made a promise to Luang-Pau (the abbot) " 

"What do you mean?", I asked.  

Ayya explained,

"When I first came to Buddhanusorn temple as an ordained nun, Taan Sing-ho, the elder monk, asked me where my mother, father and grandfather lived.   When he found out that they were spread out all over the country, he asked how often I visited them.  I could not remember the last time I visited my parents. I said oh...maybe 7 years ago.  Taan Sing-ho's eyes widened as his jaw dropped.  He immediately took the story to Luang-pau who later called for me. Together they gave me a long lecture about my 'crime' ( smiled).    Luang-pau reminded me of the 5 objects of veneration, according to the Buddha. After the triple gems come one's  father and mother, and then one's teachers.  Luang-pau then instructed me to walk round and round the temple, contemplating on the benevolence and sacrifice of my parents. After that, he asked me to make a promise that from then on, I would visit my parents at least once a year.  And so I have ever since. This experience has really changed my attitude towards my parents. Before that, I was like most young people here. I had issues with my parents, and I held on to the resentment, even unconsciously. My resentment has since dissolved. My mother was so delightfully surprised at this change.  My sister who lives closer to her, visits her less often than I do. I told her to thank Luang-pau for it.  "

                I remarked that Thai children, including myself , were taught since we were little, not to take the sacrifice of our parents for granted. Everyone around us, our peers and teachers included, guides us to look past our resentment and empathize with our parents' best of intention for us. We are taught to appreciate their love and advices, even though we may disagree with the content and how it is expressed.  

Ayya said "Ahhh, when I was growing up, we were taught the opposite.   We learned how our parents have messed up our lives"!  

I asked "Who was it that taught you that view?"

Ayya's  reply was candid, "First by listening and observing how our parents talk about their parents. My mother was from the 60's generation, where there was a lot of emphasis in that direction. Then at schools, things in society, books, movies, media, how friends and other relatives talk about their parents.   It starts in school , perhaps middle school. At first this attitude did not sit well with me. But gradually I became like the others." 

                In every offices or circle of friends here, I can count on meeting at least one, though usually more, co-workers or friends, who casually mentioned they decided not to visit their aging parents for years, 4 years, 7 years, 10 years, or never!  I have not met a single person in Thailand who would say the same.           Frankly, I am not surprised. I told Ayya that I discovered in my graduate school that Western Psychology invariably faults the parents as the root cause of one's life problems.  This view dominates the fields of education, social work, clinical psychology, psychotherapy, and child therapy.  The view is regarded as "fact", passed down uncritically, -because it is always prefaced with "Research has found that....." by the all powerful "experts".  There are many other theories-turned facts, that immigrants from Asia will find contrary to our personal experience, one of which is;  " adolescents are developmentally incapable of empathy".

                First generation Asian parents immigrated to the US need to know that they cannot raise their children in their new country with the casualness they enjoyed in the old country.  The force in the society at large is shaping our children differently. For example, we were told that we owe our parents our gratitude because first and foremost, they gave us our lives.  In contrast, American children  hear the repeated message  that it is their parents' choice, not theirs,  to bring them to the world, and as such the parents owe their children the sacrifice. I saw a parenting education advertisement  in the TV the other day. . It said, "If your (teenage) children tell you they hate you, be happy. You are doing something right." Growing up in Asia, I am not exempted from the usual internal conflicts in families. But I never heard any one, adolescents or adults, direct such extreme words as "hate" towards their parents.  Here, I have heard it from children countless times until my sense  became numbed to the sting . Whereas our heart will bleed if it comes from our own child, American parents expect it from their teenage children, because they underwent that experience themselves. 

                It is impossible to avoid the effect of society on your child's worldview. Hence, raising children here requires a much more conscious choice, thoughtful strategy, and focused effort. You can no longer take it for granted that your values will be automatically absorbed by your children.  You are but a slice of their environment, among the many other slices that will strongly compete with you. Value that you think is a given, is not a given in such diverse culture.  Yet your slice is what you have, and YOUR  territory to exercise influence as best you can. You have to think through what values you hold important, and how to best transmit it.   For example, continually  involve your children in a community that reinforces your personal value is a way you influence their environment and peer selection.  Lastly, you must adjust your expectation. Do not be debilitated if you overheard your child joining their school friends in saying "Yeah, I HATE my Mom, too".

                Straddling across cultural divide is a very special vantage point.  We have the opportunity to be exposed to the diverse cultures of American society.  The pros and cons of each ways are laid before us to compare.   We do not have to embrace one way or another in its entirety, but try to pick what is best from the gift of diverse cultures, and reject those that proved to be harmful.  We possess the power to mix and match, to create out of the mumbo jumbo, a new set of moral principal that is congruent to ourselves.  To do this, we must first pay attention, second, educate and inform ourselves, third, think critically, and last but not least, trust our own experience.

                Read more about parenting across the cultural divide....in future articles and blogs.